Since the onset of my "lion chasing," God has taken me through thoughts and emotions that I don't often like to visit. After some rough events in my personal life, Jesus has shown me some baggage that i've been carrying around and, thanks to His grace, He is stripping it away and revealing new life in me. During the past month, i've come closer than ever before to having a nervous breakdown. Sure, I wanted to blame it on a damaged personal relationship, but I see now that the process God has begun in me really has nothing to do with the person at the other end of this conflict.
In fact, God used a blow to my family as a wake up call to me. I was forced to ask myself questions like, Is God really in control? Does He really want what's best for me? Would God really want me to have to go through this? To tolerate this hurt in my life? The answer to all of it is, Yes. God does care, he is in control, he does have a perfect plan for my life. But in my little tiny existence, that was beginning to center on me, I had forgotten something very important. God uses trials in our lives to shape our character. I had become selfish, prideful and unforgiving, to name a few. Jesus has lovingly shown me that I cannot please everyone, nor can I do everything that needs to be done. He has given me rest for my soul during this crazy busy time in my life, as a Pastor's wife, Mother of four, and college teacher.
I will continue to chase the lions God puts in my path. It turns out that my own sinfulness was the first lion I had to chase down into a pit and put to death. I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. I can't say it's a comfortable time in my life, but I can say that God is actively at work in my heart and life and i'd rather have that any day.
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